shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Never underestimate the power of titties
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
