tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
