When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
