My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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