while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
