can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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