She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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