you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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