theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
