I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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