dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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