Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I want a musical about memes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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