he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
