I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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