he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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