no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
