Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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