I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
