from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
