It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
