Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
