note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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