So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
