Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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