hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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