Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
