Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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