I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
