eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
