My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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