just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
