no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.