just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
