i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
