I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
