I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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