Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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