you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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