soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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