I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
