I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
ttyl tear gas
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
