: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize