Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
