How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
