if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
