Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's shark week go big or go home
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
