Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
