You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
