Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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