You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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