He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
