i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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