I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
