you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
