I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
