So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.