You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?