Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...