the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
