Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
