you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
